|
Contents
|
The key to beating people at chess lies in picking your opponents.
Pick weak ones. How weak? Weaker than you.
That implies that you know how weak you are, but most people
do not. Most people think of themselves smarter than they really
are, better looking, more cunning, more quick-witted, and nicer.
So do not rely on your self-appraisal.
If you knew your chess rating, that would be a very good
starting point. The trouble is, if you're reading this it is highly
unlikely you know what your rank is.
So, to solve this little initial dilemma we'll simply assume
you are a terrible chess player. Now we'll figure out how to find
people who are even worse.
Below is a checklist of traits you should apply to your potential
opponents. If more than three of the following apply, play that sucker.
-
When you ask him if he knows how to play, he responds with,
"Sure...it's like checkers, right?"
-
He calls the rook a castle, the knight a horsie, and the
bishop "that pointy piece."
-
He tells you, "I hate pawns, they aren't worth anything anyway."
-
When you ask him if he knows what the "en passant" move is,
he replies, "Muy bien, gracious."
-
When you ask him what his rating he, he says, "I think it's
around 8."
-
When you ask him how often he plays, he says enthusiastically,
"You betcha."
-
He takes great delight in setting up the pieces.
-
He constantly refers to the game as "chest."
Now that you think you've found a weak opponent, you need
to play him. Beware, he still might be better than you (if you're
scratching your head thinking, "I didnít get that last list" I'm betting
there's a good chance he is). Here are some things to look for early
in the game that can tip you off that it's okay to hang in there and finish.
-
His first 8 moves are to push out each pawn two squares.
-
He blocks a check with his queen.
-
He moves his knights out then back to their starting positions
several times.
-
He begins attacking with the king as soon as his pawns are
out of the way.
-
He yells "Check" after every move.
-
He won't take your sacrifices...or even your mistakes.
-
His basic strategy is to mirror your moves.
If your opponent does even two of the above, stay in the
game. You will beat him. However, be aware of some ugly game
habits your opponent will likely exhibit and learn how to mimimize them.
|
Ugly habits
|
How to minimize impact
|
| He takes up to a half hour per turn. |
Make lots of body noises. |
| He hums a single note throughout the contest. |
Hum in harmony with him. |
| He picks up pieces, hovers them in the air, places them
down, peeks around them from every possible angle before finally releasing. |
Grab a piece of your own and hover with him mirroring
his manuvres. |
| He eats potato chips while playing, greasing up the pieces
and the board. |
Steal chips from him. |
With opponents such as the one I have described, winning
will be an exultant moment for you. Be sure to say "Checkmate" at
the top of your lungs; scream it, in fact. Then pick up your pieces
and go find something else to do. You really have no business playing
chess if beating this loser gives you glee.
|
Aha!
D. Comedy
Do This
Don't Do
Editor
I Want You
Logic
Mr. Schnuck
Puzzle
Software